How Swizz Beatz Nearly Ruined Everything

The run-up to Kanye's masterful My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy was historic to say the least. There was a movie, interview flame-outs, diamond-teeth reveals, some of the greatest Tweets you'll ever read, faked Walmart bans and incredible music. The music, dropped off every Friday, was an oral aural treat to the fans. Of the many songs (which would have made a great album by themselves), Yeezy gave us some undeniable classics, and absolutely set the internet ablaze. It was an ingenious marketing strategy, and has since become very popular.

Many of the songs were decadent orgies of indulgence, that somehow not only worked, but showed that Kanye on the comeback trail was better than ever. One of these songs, was "Lord Lord Lord", an epic opus featuring great verses from Ye, Raekwon the Chef and Mos Def, three of hip-hop's elite. Sandwiched in the middle of all those verses, was an offering from Swizz Beatz. A curious offering, simply because the second it's over you have to fight the temptation to saw your ears off.


Let's get something clear right away: it's fucking awful. Utterly terrible. Cringe-inducing. And I have no idea why Yeezy let him on the song. At first I thought maybe he snuck on, like the way they said CyHi did on "So Appalled", which was the most blatant attempt to create a cool origin story since the Dark Knight was a ninja. However, rap scholars have uncovered two new theories in response to the puzzling question "Why the fuck is Swizz Beatz shitting on this fantastic song?".

The first theory is that Kanye locked Swizz in the kitchen with his other favorites like Consequence, and convinced them that the entire place had been rigged with microphones and they'd just go through the tape and pick out the best shit they said later. With those two liabilities locked up, Ye proceeded to play catch the bag of cocaine with Cudi and Raekwon the Chef. But then, during mastering, Jay came across Swizz'z "Welcome to the Jungle" instrumental, and rather than schilling for the beat, told Ye to put Swizz on "Lord Lord Lord" as a sort of trade. If you imagine that Swizz has the IQ of a second grader, and probably sticks out his tongue while he's concentrating, you can sorta picture them figuring out this trade, Pokemon-style. Imagine one of those older kids tricking you into giving up all your Shiny-cards in exchange for some pocket lint or a gum wrapper, and you'll kinda get the picture. So The Throne saves money, and Swizz gets on the track. Very plausible.

The second theory is that Swizz begged to be on the song, in exchange for letting Raekwon bag Alicia. This kinda makes sense, cuz Yeezy would probably have to sacrifice a loved one or cut off some of his skin and lay it at the altar of the RZA in exchange for Rae's services on a song with JBiebz. And it certainly makes sense from Rae's side of things. I'm sure he still pulls mad tail, but you know it isn't anywhere near the quality he used to get back when the Wu was on top. So Yeezy gets Raekwon to spit on a song with the anti-Christ, Swizz shits on "Lord Lord Lord", and Alicia Keyes gets banged. I definitely prefer this theory, because it's a win for the Wu, and also because Rae's facial expressions probably never ventured past this during the entire thing.

Either way, Swizz Beatz ended up on the song, becoming one of those fast forward necessities that'll really fuck over your listening experience if your hands are busy. Let's look at some of the excellence he provided to us mere mortals, through his intricate writing.

Things you can call him: 

Obama, because their lives are equally crazy. And Rae would bang Michelle too.

Bin Laden, because their level of slickness is close to equal.

Mr. Dean, or Mr. Bars. Or Mr. I'm So Awful at Rapping I Let A Coke Dealer Smash My Wife Just To Get On This Song. That last one is a bit long. He may or may not have suggested you call him that.

Graciously Dispensed Wisdom:

"Niggas talking funny, that's old money, niggas looking crazy, but they talking funny,"

"Nowadays rappers, they like bloggers, you see me, I'm a bank hogger,"

How Hard His Beats Go:

"Like fuck you dicks."

How an MC should follow up the very excellent line: "Pouring Champagne, damn thing"

"See me rocking suede nigga in the damn rain, ain't a damn thing, money ain't a damn thing, ask Yeezy and Mos we do the goddamn thing,"

I've provided video of the song below. Apparently the labels (or Swizz'z Illuminati friends) didn't want anyone to hear this, so they tried to get every copy off the Youtubes. Thus, this is a sped up version. Which might actually be better for you in the long-run as total time listening to Swizz Beatz drool in your ears will be minimized. Download link below.

Download: "Lord Lord Lord"

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