Friday, November 4, 2011

The Ten Most Regular Guy Boasts from Cole World: The Sideline Story

People love J. Cole. For a lot of reasons. And not just because of the recently (to my knowledge) unveiled, awesome picture of Cole as a child, who notably looks identical to grown-up Cole. He's got the seriousness, the intensity, everything. It is in no way difficult for me to imagine young Cole lamenting to his boys that his seven-year old girlfriend won't get an abortion.

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One of the major reasons Cole is loved the way he is, is because of how, in many cases, it is very easy to relate to his music. He spoke in an interview about not wanting too much lingo from his newfound fame to seep into his lyrics for the first album (words like Audemar, other-other Benz). Hopefully, as the money piles up, he doesn't move away from talk everyday folk can relate to. But if he does, KWT has you covered with "The Ten Most Regular Guy Boasts from Cole World: The Sideline Story". Hit the jump for the list.



1.) "Put trophies on my wall, rather trophies on my mantle," - Cole World

Certainly, Jermaine must be referring to Grammy's, and VMA's and other sorts of cool trinkets that Weezy likes to ash his blunts in. But this sounds like the type of thing a really fat guy at a bar will say to you, before drunkenly launching into a lecture about how great a football player he was back in the day, and how he was one knee injury away from making it to the pros and... When guys start bragging about trophies on their mantelpiece, walk the other fucking way.

Whoever this old guy is, you know he has plenty of brutally exaggerated stories.

2.) "Straight sexing, no handcuff or arresting," - Can't Get Enough

Remember 2010, when Cole spat straight fire for the lead single off Cole World that track that didn't even end up on Cole World? He was shittin' on everything everybody else was doing, including their sex game. To quote the man himself, "And did I fail to mention? Your bitch is tired of missionary, boy you failed the mission". Cole, your sex game went square?? This is the guy that's supposed to have fucked Rihanna. A lady who sings about handcuffs and whips, and loves to be photographed leaving sex shops. It makes no sense to me. I guess this is a heads up to groupies everywhere. Cole is doing it the way your parents do it you think your parents do it.

Now that I think about it, dolls are kinda kinky..

3.) "Cole heating up like that leftover lasagna,"
- Nobody's Perfect 

Leftover lasagna? This doesn't add up with the baller image rappers portray. Rozay wakes up to a bowl of lobster bisque. I eat leftover lasagna. The guys with the ram skull in their window downstairs eat leftover lasagna. Jay-Z's appointed one does not.

4.) "If I win, maybe then I could pay Sallie Mae," - Cole World

Applaud the guy for getting a degree. Somebody start a petition for Hov to forego the second shark tank on the WTT tour and pay off this young man's student loans.

5.) "Then follow your moves all week on Twitter," - Can't Get Enough

First off, you slayed Rihanna. You aren't online creeping anybody. Secondly, Facebook is a much better place to creep people.
I'm guessing the ski mask is in case Mom busts in...

6.) "But I'm back on track, add to the fact that I never really drive sober,"

Drunk driving is a regular ass move. By regular ass losers. Nothing cool about getting drunk and getting behind the wheel. Good way to end up on The View trying to make up for your mistakes. This feels like a blatant attempt to try to sound risky and cool. It fails on both accounts.

7.) "I'll be right here in the same bed that you left me in," - In the Morning

Drake is the king of coupling feelings you can relate to, with references to expensive ass things you will never own. He shows up for "In the Morning", which is a dope song for sure. His rasp, and spontaneous singing somehow make up for the fact he's the biggest bitch in the world because he's gonna wait from 9-5 for this girl to get home, and he likes girls that are thick because he used to ride horses. The ol' "no bestiality" is implied, I think... 

Waiting for your girl is sew regular, Drizzy. You
should be having a breakfast buffet with Khaled at
 King of Diamonds or something.
8.) "I let you feel like you the shit, but boy you can't out fart me," - Dollar and a Dream III

I feel like "you can't out fart me" is something drunk sports guy from #1 would brag about. Say "you can't out fart me" out loud to yourself right now, and rub your stomach. Not very appealing, hey?

9.) "Bitch I made this in the crib watchin' Belly, eatin' peanut butter jelly," - Cole World

"Belly" rhymes with "jelly", but if you have a PB&J in hand, you can be watching just about anything. They are that good.

Also rhymes with jelly.

10.) "You logged off, cuz I'm online," - Dollar and a Dream III



This is a bit suspect. How many people do you have on Facebook that are that intimidating, that the minute they show up in your online list, you're out?

"Oh fuck, TJ's on!"
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6 comments:

  1. handcuffing means wifeing a chick, not using handcuffs for kinkiness

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  2. Reading through this it kinda seems like you don't really understand hip hop or were trying really hard to make this concept work...

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  3. Ehh I don't think my understanding is suspect. I might be guilty of trying to make it work, but it's just a fun, tongue-in-cheek list. No hatred, no ulterior motives. 

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  4. you're not funny sorry

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  5. peteROC, ever heard of rappers using phrases or words to mean more than one thing? goof

    ReplyDelete
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