Stop everything you're doing, which, if we're using Twitter as the measuring stick for internet activity at the moment, is a strange hybrid of listening to the Jonas brothers, fapping, and crying over how single you are (that actually doesn't sound that strange now that I think about it...). Word is, Drake, aka Mr. Make Stars out of Basic Chicks, is dipping in that good-good. And by that, I'm referring to Ms. Ora, a quite sexy singer who has arrived in America via Britain. You might know her because she's signed to the Roc, but it's more likely you don't know here. I mean, the Roc was, as you might recall, a rap dynasty for a time, but now is notable for not much outside of J. Cole. I mean, this guy is on the roster.
Jay-Z probably thinks Rita is his urban Adele, but Jay-Z, whose well-known for being maybe the greatest rapper of all-time, is also well-known for being one of the worst A&Rs of all-time. What does this mean? This means that betting against Rita Ora is a good idea, like betting LeBron's headband will have tripled in size by season's end. Still, she's got the Jay cosign, which means Drizzy is mixing with high-class, big money bad bitches, as opposed to stripper-sluts like Maliah (no hate, I'd saw off both legs for a chance to hit).
Props to Drake, for bagging, but I mean, he's ran through all sorts of luminaries, like Rihanna and Serena, so a (not-at-all, completely-manufactured) buzzing artist like Rita is almost ho-hum. However, I'd like for all of us to note the Game of Thrones-esque implications here. This has potential for all sorts of back-stabbing and power plays. This is some political shit we're witnessing.
How you ask? Why, let me tell you.
Firstly, there's the obvious route, which is to do this bitch something dirty, and then gets daps from the big homie Wayne. Very appealing route, and it would totally make up for Drake posting that congratulations from Jay on the OVO blog. I mean, he's a "Cash Money soldier", muthafuckas. However, though this is the obvious route, it seems doubtful Drake will go this way. I mean, every ex he's ever had will gush to the media about how great a guy he is, how thoughtful he is, etc. They'll even rave about his peach-eating skills. And this isn't an isolated incident. Everyone of his exes says this shit. Now that's either Illuminati skull-duggery, or dude is so genuinely fantastic as to be appreciated by scorned bitches. And if there's one thing I know about scorned bitches, they're typically not appreciative. Not only are they not appreciative, it's very unlikely that they'll say something nice about you, and they especially won't say things that will help you bag other girls. Honestly, the love Drake gets from his exes is some unprecedented shit.
So if he isn't keeping Rita around on some R. Kelly, film nastiness and share type shit, what's the game plan? I think, (and I am a qualified expert in the affairs of men who get fabulously wealthy very fast), that Drake is on some merger shit. He heard "Theraflu" and "Mercy", and now he wants to make nice with The Throne. Like real nice. Like get Jay to bless you with untouchable verses again nice. Get Yeezy back on the boards type nice. It's a smart move, all things considered. Drake's probably going to get to some pretty rarefied air, but he can only end up more famous if he's got the backing of the Illuminati Throne. Sensible shit. It's just that the merger requires a little more shoring up.
This is where Lil Twist comes in. You know Lil Twist? Oh, you don't? Thank fuck. He's basically a ninth-stringer for Young Money at this point, but he'll almost definitely end up releasing multiple albums and becoming ubiquitous. I mean Birdman is an idiot, to the point where he's unintelligible in interviews, but his label game is no-joke. It's some truly sickening shit, but Twist will end up the rap game's J.Biebz. The world is powerless against talented, cute kids (who have truckloads of money, the type of money that buys Clear Channel spots). Musically irrelevant at this point in his career, but as a pawn in this million dollar scheme, he could be very valuable. Get the Biebz swag coach to teach him some things, and get Drizzy Casanova to show him how to eat da pussy (brutal mental image) and this bum could easily bag Willow. Why easily? His only competition is Jaden, the only boy Willow has ever been sexually attracted to. (Yup, my Game of Thrones reference just came full-circle with incestuous siblings. Bitch, you wasn't wit' me shooting in the gym).
(Honestly, this is George R. R. Martin worthy. This is that HBO shit. Someone needs to film a documentary. I mean, KWT would fit the bill for the cameras and everything, but we spent all our budget on branded condoms, which are now just collecting dust in the closet. Poor budgeting this month, but next month we're getting KWT shutter shades. Those are still cool right?)
It's a win-win for Young Money and Roc Nation. Drake gets his dick wet and Rita Ora gets famous for being the receptacle for Drake's dick. Twist gets famous for being involved with the Smith family (who are American royalty at this point) taking him one step closer to Biebz level stardom. It's a fucking license to print money, and it requires very little time and zero advertising. All the while, Wayne and Jay can continue to throw shots at each other, which keeps the media buzzing and the albums scanning.
Jay should hire me. This is some groundbreaking fame-manufacturing I've imagined here. Actually, fuck Jay. He's never reached out to KWT. The Illuminati should hire me. They need all the help they can get with their problem du jour, which is, "how the fuck do we get Middle America to like Kanye again?".
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